Twelve months ago, I decided to radically change my life. Here is an excerpt from my previous blog last August.
“The future is cloaked in shades of gray. It's full of uncertainty and scares the hell out of me. Mainly, because I'm not used to taking care of my own needs. I shudder in fear. My decision has been made. It is final. All that is left to do is jump. And when I do, I will see everything in color and a new world will reveal itself. It's a world full of the uncertainty that has always scared me, but, at the same time, I know will be the best for me.”
That was an extremely challenging time and it continued to be challenging throughout the beginning of this year. I did jump and it did scare the hell out me. The journey from where I was last August to where I am as I write these words has been long and twisted. I’m still on the journey and I’m comfortable knowing that. Uncertainty still exists today, but it doesn’t control me. There were times when everything regarding my future seemed insurmountable. I had to let go of preconceived perceptions of how my life should look to others. I began learning how to live life for myself, instead of always contemplating how other’s think I should live and perceive me if I decided to do things on my own terms. It’s been a long learning process and I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, but that has been helpful in gaining experience to live each day better than the last.
As much as things have changed, many things have not. I am still a father to my wonderful son whom I love so much. I still have my friends and I’m trying to learn how to forge new friendships along the way. My ex-spouse and I are on good terms and that bodes well for our son. I still have a job and even received a promotion earlier this year. I have, also, let go of materialistic ideals. Over the years, I began to realize “things” do not make a person happy. And, while money definitely makes certain aspects of our lives easier to manage, it does not define our happiness.
My running has continued and, while I place importance on it, it isn’t something that defines me like it seemed to in the past. I feel as though I have integrated it into my being and has become just a natural part of who I am. Yes, I train and, sometimes, I train hard. I still have goals, some, of which, seem lofty. But, the goals keep me motivated. I, nonetheless, like running for the sake of running and for the enjoyment of being out on the trail. I have visited lots of great places this year and that is contributed to the running. Places like New Mexico, Oregon, Colorado, and, soon to be, California and Wyoming. I have met many great people out on the trails, in the process, and it is the many people I met that I remember the most. And, in the middle of all of this, I, unexpectedly, fell in love. And, it has far exceeded what I thought was possible.
The biggest lesson learned within the past year is to let go of the perceived control I thought I had over my life. I’m not referring to being careless with my living, but I do realize life occurs on its own terms and, either, I can accept it and make the best of every situation, or be destined to a world of struggle. Nowadays, I smile when I go to bed and I wake up and smile. Things that used to bother me have little to no effect on me anymore. It has been a liberating experience. And, the world I used to see in shades of gray is now full of more color than I thought was possible.
“The future is cloaked in shades of gray. It's full of uncertainty and scares the hell out of me. Mainly, because I'm not used to taking care of my own needs. I shudder in fear. My decision has been made. It is final. All that is left to do is jump. And when I do, I will see everything in color and a new world will reveal itself. It's a world full of the uncertainty that has always scared me, but, at the same time, I know will be the best for me.”
That was an extremely challenging time and it continued to be challenging throughout the beginning of this year. I did jump and it did scare the hell out me. The journey from where I was last August to where I am as I write these words has been long and twisted. I’m still on the journey and I’m comfortable knowing that. Uncertainty still exists today, but it doesn’t control me. There were times when everything regarding my future seemed insurmountable. I had to let go of preconceived perceptions of how my life should look to others. I began learning how to live life for myself, instead of always contemplating how other’s think I should live and perceive me if I decided to do things on my own terms. It’s been a long learning process and I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, but that has been helpful in gaining experience to live each day better than the last.
As much as things have changed, many things have not. I am still a father to my wonderful son whom I love so much. I still have my friends and I’m trying to learn how to forge new friendships along the way. My ex-spouse and I are on good terms and that bodes well for our son. I still have a job and even received a promotion earlier this year. I have, also, let go of materialistic ideals. Over the years, I began to realize “things” do not make a person happy. And, while money definitely makes certain aspects of our lives easier to manage, it does not define our happiness.
My running has continued and, while I place importance on it, it isn’t something that defines me like it seemed to in the past. I feel as though I have integrated it into my being and has become just a natural part of who I am. Yes, I train and, sometimes, I train hard. I still have goals, some, of which, seem lofty. But, the goals keep me motivated. I, nonetheless, like running for the sake of running and for the enjoyment of being out on the trail. I have visited lots of great places this year and that is contributed to the running. Places like New Mexico, Oregon, Colorado, and, soon to be, California and Wyoming. I have met many great people out on the trails, in the process, and it is the many people I met that I remember the most. And, in the middle of all of this, I, unexpectedly, fell in love. And, it has far exceeded what I thought was possible.
The biggest lesson learned within the past year is to let go of the perceived control I thought I had over my life. I’m not referring to being careless with my living, but I do realize life occurs on its own terms and, either, I can accept it and make the best of every situation, or be destined to a world of struggle. Nowadays, I smile when I go to bed and I wake up and smile. Things that used to bother me have little to no effect on me anymore. It has been a liberating experience. And, the world I used to see in shades of gray is now full of more color than I thought was possible.
2 comments:
That was August 31st. Mine came July 22nd. I figured out that date...it seems a whole life had passed. I found a post on the run a week prior that David and I remembered last night at the dinner, how I said I am about to "leap", and he answered: you'll know when to do it, it will just feel right. It did. And it was scary. For different reasons than you felt scary, but nevertheless. As Gail used to say: this, too, shall pass. It did. There are new beginnings, every day, every moment. And to open your heart to them is the only thing we can do.
Smile on:)
I enjoyed reading your blog today. I will be running Headlands 50 on Saturday so maybe I will see you there. Good luck running the 100. It is a great race.
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