Randomness of Thoughts

I’ve been thinking about many things, lately, but that is nothing new. The time spent with my son over the past few weeks has been great and something I look forward to for many different reasons. As we get older, especially with children, I find myself putting more emphasis on relationships. Maybe, it’s because of the reality of mortality that comes with another birthday, as did happen this past week. From a pure statistical point of view, I’ve lived over half my life and it has passed quickly. It honestly feels like just last week when I was still a child and many of the memories are forever imprinted into memory. I do my best to be a good Father and teach life’s lessons while realizing I cannot control the eventual outcomes. It is that loss of control which is the most difficult, but brings a sense of humbleness that my son will, eventually, have to make his own decisions. Hopefully, the lessons and words I speak will be heard in his mind when he ventures out into life. Regardless, that time is several years away but it doesn’t quell my concern and focus to do the best I can today.

This week, my dreams have been unique and vivid. They are dreams of my Grandparents, who were an important part of my life. There are still times I mourn the loss of my Grandmother who passed last Thanksgiving weekend. She was never the same after losing her life partner, my Grandfather, a few years ago. They spent a lifetime together. While I cannot recall the exact nature of the dreams, they are filled with only good experiences and it’s, as if, they are truly alive again and teaching me the lessons of life. The expressions on their faces are of smiles, support, and love. I’m thankful for the dreams and, maybe, it is my subconscious mind recognizing how much I miss them and consider them still an important part of my life today. They are both guideposts and always will be. I will always be grateful my last words to my Grandmother were “I love you”. She was asleep at the time and barely holding onto life as I witnessed her labored breathing. I began mourning her loss within minutes as I began the long drive home that morning. As strange as it may sound, I distinctly remember the mourning process beginning during my childhood years when I would lay in bed and wonder what life would be like without her or my Grandfather. I cried many tears at that young age as I lay awake in bed at night, knowing one day it would become a reality. Maybe, it was my appreciation and gratefulness during my early years for all they had done for me. I realize I digressed into the morbid thoughts of death, because my recent dreams were not about that. They were nothing less than positive and I haven’t wanted to wake up knowing they were just dreams.

My original intent in this post was to write briefly about how my training has progressed over the past few months. But, for whatever reason, my thoughts immediately drifted to other things. Maybe, because it is just running and I am not defined by it. My satisfaction in running is embedded in the process of improving and getting stronger. It’s, also allows me to be outside in nature and on the trail. The ability to run long distances in beautiful places, namely mountains, over an extended period of time, is the byproduct of training. Yes, there is the finish line, but the things I remember most are what I see and experience between the start and finish. I’m certain if I was alive during the westward migration a few hundred years ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to head into the mountain wilderness and see with my own eyes the raw beauty of it all. I feel I am at a point in my life where there is a need to assess why I do what I do. Training for ultras can be selfish and, definitely, time consuming. Scaling back after the next race in September is something to consider. Chasing the hopes of making it through the lottery for a chance to run to Auburn is becoming tiresome. Pursuing other interests, which would still involve a high level of fitness, has slowly crept its way into my thoughts. It’s not burnout that I’m experiencing, but just the realization life is multidimensional and there are many things I want to see and do before the eventual end. Maybe, it’s acceptance of my own mortality that is driving me towards these thoughts, but it seems healthy to question my path periodically. I’d rather be a “jack of all trades and master of none”, rather than master only one thing well while the rest of life passes by on its own accord. I want to experience Russia, the Paine Circuit, Montana, Canada, stand on top of Cho-Oyu, and that is just the short list. Simply, I can’t get there if all I do is focus on running hundred milers.