Ramblings of the mind...

There are so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now and it seems there is no way to get them organized into any coherent manner. Maybe, just maybe, I'm thinking too much. I have been very focused on myself, mainly my mind, during the past week. I have made amazing discoveries about myself that I will use to propel myself forward on the journey of life. I have a lot of peace in my heart right now. Probably the most I've ever had in my life. The serenity that I am experiencing is very calming and there are those that I have spoken to within the past day who, at first, didn't fully recognize my voice.

One of the things I have been pondering is the challenges I have had in my short lifetime. I still encounter challenges today, but I put them into a different perspective than I have in the past. I realize challenges are just a part of living. Our experiences in overcoming our challenges mold each of us into unique individuals. Sure, things are hard at times and we transition into survival mode and struggle as best we can, but it doesn't have to be a constant in one's life. Our self worth shouldn't be based on how much we struggle, but,instead, should be more focused on those times when our hearts and minds are at peace. There is self-worth in feeling that peace.

My self-confidence has waned for most of my life. But, there were many things which occurred during my time on this planet at the root of that feeling. What I have learned is I need to get out of my head, so to speak. To know if I just be genuine to others and honest with myself, the opportunities in life are endless. Opportunities for friendships, love, selflessness, vulnerability, and happiness. Being vulnerable is something that can be difficult to do, but the rewards are limitless. We are all judged by others and each of us judges others. Getting to a place where I am comfortable being judged without fear can be difficult. But, I am beginning to realize I am who I am. And, that should be good enough. I work tirelessly on trying to make myself the best individual possible. Sometimes, I fail, but I hope my victories outweigh any shortcomings.

I have thought quite a bit regarding when the seeds of change in my life were planted. Each time I try to answer that, the experiences I had alone in the mountains on week long backpacking trips begin to surface. It was a time when I could be alone with nothing but my thoughts and nature. Many times, I wouldn't encounter another soul for a week, while on the trail. At times, the isolation was difficult to manage, but the things I learned about myself were invaluable. It was, in a way, a type of meditation. Those initial excursions occurred over ten years ago, but they are still vivid memories in my mind. Those small steps were the beginning of the journey of self discovery I continue on to this very moment.

I ran by myself this evening on local trails and while the temperatures were above 100 degrees, I began focusing on the experience and let my mind go to a place where the heat wasn't the primary focus during the run. It took almost an hour to get to that place, but once I was there, the running came easily and I was focused more on the slight breezes I felt on my skin more than the heat of the air encompassing my body. I smiled and continued and when I finished, I immediately lay on the ground, looked up at the sky, and was grateful I was given the opportunity to run on such a beautiful day in nature. Nothing but my feet on the ground and gentle breezes touching my body. I was satisfied. The challenge of the run had become a blessing. The challenge was just part of the run and either I could fight it and complain, or I could embrace it and be thankful for the experience. Something I call "flow". Something that my life should be.

I probably didn't make much sense in this post, but that is just how my mind feels today. They are my thoughts and I'm comfortable sharing them even if they appear to be disorganized. I'm not afraid of it being judged, good or bad.

"One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today." -Dale Carnegie