Open Book

Brooks Creek (mile 44)

There are times in life where we learn lessons fast and, other times, slow.  I tend to fall in the latter category most of the time.  Running Ozark 100 this past weekend was a lesson that has required repeated occurrences over the past 14 months to finally reach a conclusion that trumped ego and provided some much needed humility.

As I sat at the 81 mile aid station waiting for a ride back to the finish line, I was privy to watching various runners arrive, mingle, and leave on their continued journey towards the finish.  The interactions between runner, crew, wife and husband, boyfriend and girlfriend, family and friends, was insightful.  I was in eight position and the only thing that almost got me off the bench after waiting for a ride for an hour was the ninth place runner who, by default, was now in eight place thanks to my sorry ass. The excitement of his crew and family came close to motivating me to change into a dry pair of socks, declaring "you won't finish in eight if I have anything to do about it!", and continuing just to ensure I maintained the position I had kept for the previous 81 miles.  But, that was just my competitive nature revealing itself. Nonetheless, I remained sitting with an old, but warm, quilt wrapped around myself realizing I didn't need a race finish to validate who I am as a person. 

One thing is certain; I do not enjoy running the hundred mile distance, besides my first finish which was textbook.  I tend to get bored, want to be somewhere else near the end, tend to have feet issues, which was definitely the case this time due to repeated water crossings, and, in general, do not like to voluntarily endure discomfort and pain for the sake of finishing something that brings no joy.  And, that brings me to my intentions at the distance, which I believe is ego driven.  For  me, being able to say I have finished one hundred miles has been a way to express an accomplishment individuals outside the ultra community think is impressive, albeit, unimaginable to most.  Personally, I used that premise to my advantage in basing some of my own self importance on being able to run that distance.  But, when your heart and desire is not into the endeavor, it becomes difficult to maintain the facade over the long term.  And, that is where I appear to be at this point in my life.

One of my ultimate goals since I began running ultras was to run Western States, mainly because it is a raced steeped deep in history.  I have entered the lottery each year since 2006, but have been unable to get selected in the lottery.  This December lottery was going to be my last entry, but I am seriously considering foregoing the process and moving on.  Why?  Because, I have finally realized running one hundred miles isn't something I enjoy, other than the build-up to the race and starting the race.  My heart has never fully been into it although my ego seems to always trump reason.  And while it isn't prudent to say "never say never", I am nearing the end of my desire to continue down this path.  And, while I do run and definitely enjoy trail running the most, in reality, my true identity is as a husband, father, and friend.  And, those associations are, by far, the most important in my life.