A lot of words...

It's getting closer to a few races I am planning to run this Fall. I have been thinking about my training, or lack thereof. I've begun putting less focus on my running, since I DNF'd at Headlands. My heart is just not in to my running like it was in the past. But, then, I wonder if it really, truly was. Or, was I just running for others expectations, which isn't the way I want it. I was looking back on the last few years of my running and realized how much time and effort I had poured into improving. I believe I was using running as a way to cope with life. When so much focus is placed on something, it can consume oneself. The perspective from others, and rightly so, is that my life was running. I didn't view it that way at the time. While the physical part of my life appeared to be consumed by running, my thoughts, most times, were far away from running and, instead, contemplating life—where I had been, my present situation, and where I wanted to go. My former spouse blamed our divorce on my running, which I disagree, but, again, I realize how it could be interpreted that way. Even, other relatives made the same claim. I believe my running, which I began a few years ago, was partly contributed to trying to figure out life and I used the time alone on the trails to mull over my thoughts. It had also become a form of meditation to calm my mind and still is, but it is not needed as much. I remember the exact moment at Headlands when the switch flipped in my mind. All I could think about is how much more full my life had become and how running no longer held one of the top priorities. I walked back with Olga to the start/finish line from where I stopped and was smiling and laughing most of the way. The only thing, before I dropped, keeping me out on the course after mile 50 was the simple fact I knew Olga had committed to pacing me for the second half of the race. While it may seem self-centered, I had to remind myself stopping needed to be for myself and not because I was going to, somehow, disappoint or be judged by others by walking away from the course. I had to process that internally before making the decision and Olga, succinctly, reminded me I needed to make the decision on my own without her input. It was a pivotal point for me.

As far as my past running, an explanation which seems plausible is I have focused so much effort into becoming a better person: to understand why I struggled internally for so much of my life, to let things go and just "be". I never imagined I would be without my son each day. A precious life that I love and care for so much. Due to my own fragmented family life as I grew up, I was looking for the perfect storybook life and I felt like I was living it. But, even with all the so called success I had in life, I still felt internally empty. No amount of money, possessions, or perceptions of a cherished family life could sedate the deep pain I had been carrying for several years. I often have wondered how easy it is for spouses to become comfortable in the trappings of financial success and freedom to the point it becomes more important to one's happiness and security than the innate desire for intimacy, love, and true companionship. I was never perfect in my marriage, but was human. And my desire for that humanness, eventually, became a far greater desire than ensuring any materialistic needs being met. And, my goal, since I was a child, was measured, in my mind, and, on my own accord, on the basis of materialistic desire. The human longing for love, intimacy, and companionship, though, was like an ocean swell growing with every season, while ebbing, occasionally, as time passed. Eventually, I reached the point where containment was impossible. And, that is when I began trying to determine the path I wanted to journey along for the rest of my days. It wasn’t an easy decision and, today, I still face challenges along the path. I’m certain, I will experience challenges for the remainder of my life, regardless. But, the challenges, mostly, are contributed to my new awareness of walking down the path as true as possible and when I come to a bump or curve, I face it head on and work to resolve the challenge. Afterwards, I feel a new lesson has been learned and wisdom has been gained which can be used in the future. I have begun to love running while going through my transformation. And, that is a great thing.